Wonders
by EveDuncan2
Summary: What shenanigans take place in a room full of Morganville contraband. WARNING: Crack fic


**AN; Please don't question the human's ability to read at alarming paces. R&R!**

Claire's P.O.V.

"So your telling me," Myrnin began, sounding utterly dumbstruck, "These vampires_sparkle_ in the sunlight?"

I sighed, slamming shut the copy of Twilight, "Yes, for the thousandth time."

"Impossible." Oliver sniffed, examining the fourth book in the saga with distaste, "A vampire and human crossbreed? Preposterous."

"Ah!" Myrnin suddenly cried, "I think you're confused, my dear. I believe you've mistaken a _fairy_ for a vampire."

"Fairies don't suck blood." Eve contradicted, eagerly looking around the room filled with contraband, "True Blood! I heard this show was the shit!"

"Fairies are known to be mischievous, twisted little demons. A few of them have killed mortals by draining them of blood," Myrnin informed us.

I snorted, "They're is no such thing as fairies."

"You just killed Tinkerbelle." Miranda said, deadly serious.

I rolled my eyes, "Shut up."

The ghost shrugged and floated around the higher shelves, staying out of sight.

"Vampire Kisses?" Eve read aloud, admiring the goth girl on the cover.

Oliver and I groaned, "Ugh."

"Cheesiest vamp book since Dracula." I shuddered.

"The sorriest excuse for literature I've ever had the displeasure of reading." Oliver tacked on.

"I found the Jagger character quite entertaining, actually." Myrnin defended, all the while clutching the third book of the series in his hands.

"Only because his level of insanity damn near reached yours, fool." Oliver sneered, inspecting a House of Night novel.

"Stevie Rae dies!" Amelie squawked in outrage.

"Spoiler alert!" Oliver snarled, slamming the novel titled 'Marked' on the ground.

"There is no way in hell I am allowing this to happen without some form of punishment." The ice queen hissed, whipping out her cell.

'Uh oh.' Eve mouthed, opening a book called 'Sunshine'.

"Hello? Yes I need you to take care of two evil, soulless humans. Names? P.C. Cast and Kristen Cast. Make it brutal." She hung up and crushed the phone in her hand.

"Holy shit Claire, this is like your life story!" Eve gasped, "A girl with an otherwise repetitive life-"

"Hey!" I huffed indignantly.

"Is in a relationship with a super hot human and meets a handsome, but odd vampire. They fall in love!... So, I guess now you know what happens in the future. Congrats Clyrnin fans!" Eve finished with a dramatic round of applause.

I frowned, "Clyrnin? What- nevermind. You can't base my life on a book!"

"Vampire Academy." Eve read, completely ignoring me, "Sounds stupid."

"It's actually really good." I said.

The whole thing with vampires having guardians had fascinated me and I had finished five books in the series already.

"The movie was pretty good." I continued, "I was just hoping they would make it into an anime, like Vampire Knight."

"Vampire Knight started out as a _manga_ not a book." Myrnin pointed out.

Eve started hopping up in down in her infamous hyper, goth bunny routine, "There's manga here?!"

"Yup." I nodded and Oliver's eyes widened in terror.

"Not that japanese thing again!"

Eve eeked and bounced over to the section of the room I had pointed to, repeating, "Manga! Manga! Manga!"

"What?" I asked the horrified vampire.

"She got into something called _Maid Sama_ a few years ago." He gulped, "She showed up to work every day in maid cosplay and she kept calling herself, 'Misaki'. It was the single most annoying experience of my lifetime."

"Dance in the Vampire Bund, well this looks goo-" Eve suddenly cut off and dropped the Japanese comic.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Amelie." She breathed, pointing to the book, shocked.

I glanced at the comic onthe ground and sure enough... Amelie stood in lingerie, with slightly bigger eyes and longer hair.

"When you've lived as long as I have," Amelie said nonchalantly, "You pick up hobbies to pass the time. One of mine is art."

"It's almost." Eve noted with a grimace.

Amelie shrugged it off and continued reading something called 'Chronicles of Nick'.

"Vampire Diaries." Miranda breathed, "What a ridiculous love triangle. Brother fighting against brother just for a pretty blonde. Pathetic."

"Human." Myrnin, Amelie, and Oliver remarked in unison.

"Vampire!" Eve and I disagreed.

"Werewolf." Taylor Lautner rumbled, appearing in the doorway and crossing his arms over his muscular chest.

"Aaaaaaah!" Eve screamed, backing up into a wall, "Alpaca!"

"Kill it! Kill it with fire!" Myrnin screeched, joining Eve's irrational level of panic.

"Got it!" Oliver chirped, oddly cheery as he raced up and snapped his neck.

_The_ Taylor Lautner fell to the floor, dead.

There wasa second of silence before I stuttered out, "What the fuck?!"

Oliver put on some sunglasses and crossed his arms over his chest, "Team Edward, all the way."

"Really? I've been rooting for this Jasper fellow." Myrnin said and I gaped at him.

"Jasper was going to kill Bella!"

"But he didn't. And I've always been a fan of beings with low self control."

"Your crazy." I sighed, a little fondly.

"Crazy for you, baby." He chuckled, jokingly.

"Clyrnin, Clyrnin!" Eve started cheering, presenting black and purple pom-poms and doing a peppy little dance.

"Wait a second..." I mumbled, "What the hell was Taylor Lautner doing here in the first place?"

"Honestly Claire!" Eve barked at me, "Haven't you learned by now that nothing this author does makes sense! All this story is is utter chaos! Why is Miranda not at home? How are vampires still here? And if they are stil here, why the fuck would the fangers let me in the contraband room?!"

"Ollie pop, make the mean goth shut up!" Myrnin cried, boxing his own ears, "She's breaking the reality!"

"Reality?" Eve laughed bitterly, "What reality? We're all fictional fucking characters!"

There was an audible gasp throughout the room.

"What have you done?" Amelie choked out before the door was kicked down.

"Nobody move! Down on the ground! Down on the fucking ground!"

"Shadowhunters." Myrnin growled.

My eyes widened and flickered to the Mortal Instruments: City of Bones book on coffee table.

No way.

I hastilly fell to the ground along with Eve, but the elder vamps in the room stood tall.

"Evening." A male voice greeted, "My name is Jace Wayland and I'll be kicking your asses today. "

No fucking way.

My head turned to the side to see a man with golden hair and eyes standing at the foot of the stairs, wearing a slightly cheesy heroic pose.

... Way.

"Now, if one of you undead freaks or tramps would be so kind as to fess up before Jace starts showing off, that would be in your best interest." A seductive purr of a voice that eerily reminded me of Ysandre said.

I bristled at the word tramp, but attempted to keep my voice level, "Fess up to what?"

The venomous beauty sneered at me, "One of you little bitches insulted the Goddess?!"

Goddess?

"The emo chick in the corner." Jace voiced, tilting his head to the side and closing his eyes, a look of deep concentration on his angelic face.

"You sure?" The whore hissed, "I'm wanting to take a stab at mighty mouse over here."

I flipped her off, my anger getting the better of me, "What the fuck do you psychos want?!"

"Language, my dear." Myrnin scolded lightly, leaning against a wall and watching Bob crawl over the Diabolik Lovers DVD case in his left hand.

"Fuck off, Count Crakcula." I snapped at him, standing up and glaring at the two 'Shadowhunters' in front of me.

"We've come," Jace began, "To kill the rebellious brat that dared to mock the almighty Eve."

"But Eve is Eve. Me. Me is Eve. I is- I am Eve." Eve stuttered, backing up even further.

"No, you mentally challenged poser, The Eve. Our creator. The goddess. The only one you will ever know." Jace said with a holier-than-thou bull shit attitude.

What. The. Fuck!

Amelie sighed, "Ms. Ross, you should be aware of this by now. You are named after her."

"And now," The bitch grinned, "You shall feel her wrath."

Eve gasped as a thin whip shot out from the psycho chick's wrist and wrapped around her neck.

I screamed as her face turned unsightly colors at an alarming pace.

"Do something!" I screamed at the vampires in the room when Jace started holding me back, "She's killing her! Somebody do something!" **(AN; If you get that quote you deserve a protection bracelet from Myrnin)**

Eve suddenly went limp amd fell to the ground.

I attempted to scream again but the scene changed and I now had duck tape around my limbs and mouth.

"Sacrifice. For Eve. The goddess. Sacrifice. For Eve. The goddess..." I could hear the chanting and when I opened my eyes, Michael, Shane, Monica, Gina, Jennifer, Amelie, Myrnin, and all the other people/vampires of Morganville surrounded me as I lay in one of the cages in the middle of town.

"What are you?!" Jace yelled from behind me.

"What are you?!" Shane echoed in a harsher voice,

"What are you?" Myrnin asked curiously, giving me that lab rat look.

The chant of the townspeople changed from the whole sacrifice thing to WHAT ARE YOU?!

I sat up in my bed with a jolt, my shole body covered in a thin sheet of sweat as I breathed in raspy little pants.

Before I calmed down I voiced the question I hadbeen bombarded with in the crazy dream.

"What am I?"

A mountain of a man with a thick black beard suddenly stepped out of the shadows and grinned at me, "You're a wizard, Claire-y."

I let out a blood curdling scream and fainted, knowing, somewhere, in another world, their was a girl named Eve having a good laugh right about now.

**AN; Damn right, Claire-y! Sorry if this was totally random but it's like five am and I'm blitzed out of my ever loving mind, dudes. Um, tell me if you want more humor stories like this, cause I'm planning on re-writing my Violent Endings stories. Both kf 'em. Alright, BYEEEEEEEEE!**


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